I am your Wholeness Faciliator. My purpose is to bring more peace in people’s lives.
This is my story.
Even though it looks like I have my life together now, it wasn’t always that way. Being in my mid thirties, I can finally allow myself a sigh of relief as my life is now moving in the direction that I was destined to live.
I grew up in an idyllic suburb, just outside of Washington, D.C…at a time when the percentage of people of color were beginning to grow, but nothing like it is now. I always knew that I carried a different swag to me, even when I was young, so even though I had a close nit group of friends throughout my primary years, I still felt as if I was a loner.
At the onset of my adolescence, I realized that I was attracted to boys and men in a way that I didn’t understand but didn’t have the knowledge or understanding of this attraction; nor did I have the words to describe it. Looking back, I recall being called a faggot a few times in my younger life and I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I knew that it had to be negative based on the way that people used it when name calling. As I became older, and could comprehend the words “queer” or “faggot”, I knew that it was something that I had to hide–FOR SURE. My family was incredibly religious, and being gay at that time was definitely frowned upon.
High school accelerated my need to hide my sexuality while my friends dated…but I was still curious. At that time, there were no dating apps like Grindr or Scruff…there was AOL chat. It was there that I began to explore talking to men that shared my same attraction and it…was…exhilarating. I snuck out of my parents house to meet some of these men and even stole my mother’s credit card to be able to chat at all hours of the night…it became an addiction. When my parents found out–after charges showed up on the credit card and after rummaging through my room and reading journals, I was punished of course…and had the “you’re just confused” chat from my Dad. I wanted to be the ‘good’ son and make my father happy, so I dated girls at that point in high school. It was a mess…for me. But, I survived. After dating a few girls, my desire to date men increased…and my addiction soared. I was on computers at the library trying to find a hook up. It definitely distracted me from school–even though I was a good student and preparing for college and life in general. All I wanted to do was find ‘the one’ guy that I could spend my life and time with.
The sickness and eventual death of my mother confounded the need to hook up. I regret that the obsession with finding hookups made me miss the last few years of my mother’s life…after her death, there was so much shame. It was in my late high school years that my father became a minister as well…something else to dodge…being a preachers kid? That wasn’t cute. I definitely didn’t fit the part. I did find a man that I spent the next 8 years of my life with–great relationship in the beginning, but I never dealt with my hook-up addiction, my mother’s death, or being told by my father that I could be gay if I wanted to live with him…for 6 months or so after finding out about this man. My dad and I talked after that 6 month period, but our relationship would have to take on a new dynamic in which love and forgiveness prevails.
By this time, I had already started my freshman year of college, didn’t have a clear plan in life, and really just going through the motions in life. My weekends were hot drunken messes. This further expounded my relationship troubles Every weekend I could, I would drink myself into a drunken mess. How I made it home during those times, I don’t know. That relationship was doomed from the start.
In an attempt to ‘get right with God’, I began going to different churches. Not regularly…but just often enough to say that I was going to church. I went to a Pentecostal church and went up to the altar call at which time the pastor laid hands on me and told me that I was (or would be) afflicted by a disease because of my sins. After this fiasco, the pastor asked if I had been ever been tested. I advised him that I hadn’t recently, and I hurried out of church. Now…this scared the HELL out of me. Was this pastor insinuating that I had HIV/AIDs? I was promptly tested–I was HIV negative…a sigh of relief, but his words still stick with me to this day.
Towards the end of my first long-term relationship, we had both been hooking up and cheating on each other. We decided it best to separate. That’s when my man addiction became out of control, in addition to my binge drinking. I was a mess. No direction…no relationship…out of college with a crap job. On November 9, 2007…that was the day that my luck had run out. I was advised that I was HIV+. I sat in my car at the health clinic and just stared for a good 30 minutes…no tears. Just dazed. I thought that I’ve just become a statistic. I thought back to that pastor who had laid hands on me. That was the first major life experience that changed my life…I went to church more. My drinking slowed down…to every other weekend, and my choice in men was cut to a select few who were also HIV+. I began to become a little frustrated with going to church at that point. During that time, mega churches–especially in Orlando where I was living, was a BFD. I was never a member of any one church, but during the offering collection period, collecting money was an ordeal. If these people were guilting people into forking over their well earned money just so that the church could get bigger? That turned me off…no shade to the mega Christian churches…it was just apparent to me at that time that church was more of a business, and less about bringing people in relationship with the great ‘I AM’.
With a boring job existence and lack of direction and purpose, I turned away from the non-denominational/Pentecostal and began attending smaller, gay-affirming United Church of Christ and Unitarian Universalist congregations. Even though I was attending these churches regularly, the guilt to collect money was less of a problem, and the people were some of the friendliest and most Christ like people I knew, I was still not receiving the peace, and understanding that I was really looking for and remained empty.
I had friends who were Wiccans at that time…and who I’m still friends with today. They expanded my mind to the esoteric and mystical. I began reading more books on it, and their tradition made sense to me. I even did a ‘love spell’ which landed me my second long-term relationship…do not try magick (wiccan ceremonies) at home–especially if you do not know what your doing). I can attest that their are spirits out their that will jack you up if you are a novice…I won’t go into that relationship, but lets just say I’m no longer with him after things changed…
After my second relationship ended, I was out on my own, alone in a city that I wasn’t familiar with, and struggling to find answers as to what my next move would be. Sure, by that time, I had a decent job–still employed by them to this day…but the job itself was not what I was meant to do in life. It paid the bills…and still does. I’m very grateful to have a job which sustained me through the great recession even as a millennial. I remained unfulfilled.
After all of this, I found my life partner–who I am currently with now. He was another blessing in disguise as he balanced me where I was weak. We even bought a home together. But even after buying this house–which was a dream of mine to own a house, I was still unfulfilled. Even at that point in my life…my thoughts of who God is was larger than my Christian upbringing taught me. I wasn’t going to church, but I knew there was something greater out there…and I wanted to be a part of it. I didn’t start praying formally, but just asking the universe “what now?” I have my dream home…work is going great, my relationship was stable, but with all of that–still not enough. I had been holding on to my flip phone until the poor thing just couldn’t function any longer, and upgraded to an iPhone. The Periscope app had just been put out and I began watching feeds with psychics, people into the law of attraction, meditations, and esoteric spiritual principals that expanded my mind within a short period of time. Watching these feeds had me wanting to do better and know the Divine in a greater way than I ever had before.
One night, I was intending on watching a woman that I meditated with regularly but accidentally did something in my phone which transferred me to the creator of Always Journal. At first, I was like…this is a little bit to traditional Christian sounding…I don’t know. My inner spirit cried out for me to stay and watch…and I’ve been hooked ever since.
That was August of 2015. I’ve been journalling for my life and never looked back. The relationship with the Creator was strengthened and my purpose has been solidified. This wasn’t an overnight process…believe me. I can now say that I have a clear understanding of how I am to impact the world, and now that I am in communion with God…I’m never alone. I know that I’m meant for something greater which prompted me to create this community. I want people to feel the same sense of purpose and explore the expansiveness of the Divine for themselves. Do I go to church? No. Do I still love God, but still have an incredibly foul mouth at times? Sure. Do I still think that men are beautiful? Uhhh…yeah! But none of that means anything…nothing can take that sense of purpose away from me. What I’ve also realized is that everything that I’ve thought that I was…any adjective that I could use to describe myself, doesn’t compare to the Divine peace that lives within me.
This will sound churchy–for those who have been in the Christian church for a long time. Do you want to know Spirit…Divine Father/Mother…The Source of all that is? Let me help…especially those in the LGBTQIA+ community. Going deeper, my heart goes out to people of color in the LGBTQIA+ community who were raised in a Christian tradition but have been looking for something greater. I’ve said in my About Me section that everyone has a purpose…even us ‘sinful’ queers (I joke–about the sinful part, that is).
If you’ve been looking for this connection, you’re not that far away, as the same spirit in me, lives in you…it’s just a matter clearing away the junk in our lives in order to recognize it.
Contact me and join the Amaris Life Facebook Group.
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